Pondering Kindness Over Coffee - Could Self-Kindness Be The Key To Kind And Caring Actions?

Quick Answer

Self-care and kindness towards self-have become common topics in the last several years. We frequently hear about these in connection to mental wellness, but when it comes to kindness towards others, this modern proverb rings true - you can’t pour from an empty cup. Here, we’re examining the need for self-kindness, specifically looking at how this fuels a similar mindset towards others, preparing us to then act in kindness towards those around us. 

Key Takeaways

• You Can’t Pour From An Empty Cup You Call ‘Ugly’ - why is self-kindness important
  
• The Intersection Of Self-Kindness And Self-Care - the difference between self-kindness and self-care, how both can be beneficial as keys to acting in kindness
  
• A Filled Cup - self-kindness tips

“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” - Eleanor Brownn

“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love.” - Brene Brown

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - considered a modern rendering of a quote attributed to Buddha (1). 
How often have you read quotes like this and though you may have felt encouraged to take better care of yourself or speak/think more kindly to/of yourself, ultimately did neither? 

Personally, I feel like I, for one…and I know I’m not alone…hear advice like what’s listed above and while it brings a realizing smile, my efforts - adding another item to my to-do list such as a long evening bath or a new set of spoken morning affirmations - ultimately, inevitably, fall flat. 

What’s the missing link then? 

It’s not that hard, right? 

Just take better care of yourself. 

Simply incorporate more kindness towards yourself. 

The thing is, these items can become nothing more than additions to your to-do list without a real understanding, a definite why, linked to such efforts.

And, that’s a ‘why’ worth exploring…

If you had a chance to read the first article in our series on kindness (if not, you can take a look here), then I need to apologize. 

As we began this series looking at the root of kindness, specifically towards others, I mentioned that we’d next examine kindness in action. 

This seemed like the logical next step after discussing the beginnings of care, connection, and consideration for/to other people in our lives. 

But, since that writing, I confess that I’ve seen on display in my own life the disconnect that can occur when I desire to show kindness towards others yet rarely exercise this virtue inwardly. 

With the modern push for self-care and self-kindness, we’re certainly hearing about these things more frequently, but without careful exploration of the need for such, I fear we may be missing a crucial key to unlocking the door which opens a life lived in kindness towards all (self and others alike). 

So, let’s take some time today to explore self-kindness, seeing what it looks like to give grace, love, consideration, and care to our own hearts and minds, even discovering how this can fuel us to act in kindness towards others.

You Can’t Pour From An Empty Cup You Call ‘Ugly’

Part of our goal within this series of morning coffee reads covering the topic of kindness is positivity. 

No one wants their decadent morning Lifeboost coffee sips to be soured by reading something that’s negative. 

In fact, negativity is never our aim in any of our blogs, emails, posts, etc.

So then, why do I feel so somber, so sad as I dig through research surrounding self-kindness, something that’s likely evidenced as you read this? 

The obvious answer - I fall miserably short in this area. 

And, according to some findings, I’m unfortunately not alone. 

“A National Science Foundation study found that most of us have between 60-80 thousand individual thoughts per day. Up to 80% of those thoughts are negative…Worse, up to 95% of our thoughts are repetitive” (2).

I couldn’t help but tear up as I typed that…80% of our thoughts are negative, and these are put on a repetitive loop that we’re internalizing throughout each day. 
But, what does this have to do with expressing kindness towards others? 

We typically think of self-care items such as making time for a hot bath at the end of a stressful day, going for a peaceful walk in nature, journaling, etc. as a means to fill our metaphoric cup, allowing us to feel refreshed and ready to serve or care for others. 

However, I find that self-kindness, or rather a lack thereof, to be entirely fitting as it pertains to our cup as well. 

Just this week, I sat down to write an encouraging note to a friend who’s been battling cancer. 

Yet, I struggled to find the right words. 

I care about this person. I indeed had a genuine desire to express kindness towards her, yet nothing I wrote seemed right, fitting, or even genuine. 

And, as I’ve been dwelling on this topic in preparation for this series, the answer painfully stared me right in the face - how can I accurately express kindness towards others, if I can not even speak or think such thoughts of myself?

How can I pour kindness from my cup when it’s either empty or filled with harsh judgments, words, and thoughts about every aspect of my being? 

Buddhist teachings explain that our actions are an extension of our thoughts, or more specifically that our experiences begin in our mind (3). 

We commonly see this personally, but I have to wonder how often we recognize this as it extends to our actions towards others. 

Sure, we technically can comment kindly to and about others while not being kind to ourselves, but if negative, unkind self-talk is happening on a loop in our brains, how can we expect positivity and kindness towards others to come with ease? 

Self-kindness or self-compassion is, in fact, the template for how we see, think about, and speak to others. 

In some cases this can seem confusing, because on the surface it feels easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to yourself. 

But again, this eventually leads to an evidenced roadblock in our efforts or desires towards others. 
Those missed opportunities to serve your friends or family? 
The times you struggle with the right words to convey your care/compassion towards others? 

The missed moments to bless a stranger? 

Could these actually be linked to a lack in your cup, a deficit evidenced when you seek to pour out kindness onto others? 

Being kind to yourself is the needed base, the saucer on which your cup rests, the warming plate that keeps your cup ready and waiting to smile upon those you encounter in this life. 

And, when the saucer is chipped, the cup just might spill its contents in a not-so-pleasant way. 

Or, when the warming plate is damaged, your cup becomes cold and unprepared to share the care, compassion, and consideration you do, in fact, wish to bestow on others. 

So then, let’s take some time to get a better understanding of the differences between self-care and self-kindness, even exploring how these intersect and how they can fuel the grace you extend to others, the care you express, the compassion you show, and ultimately the kindness you share with strangers, acquaintances, and loved ones alike.

The Intersection Of Self-Kindness And Self-Care

What’s the difference between self-care and self-kindness? 

Isn’t self-care a form of self-kindness? 

We commonly hear about the need for self-care, how are these practices linked to self-kindness? 

Self-care is typically described as those actions which aim to take care of your mental and emotional wellbeing (4). 

This can include a variety of measures, including those commonly prescribed items like a spa day to ease stress, but it can also include counseling, practicing mindfulness, deep breathing, spending time in nature, and much more, each practice being highly personal (4, 5). 

Such practices fill your cup by supporting healthy mood and stress levels, and depending on the items you incorporate, they may even contribute to your overall health and wellness (6). 

Self-kindness, on the other hand, involves mindset (7).  

• Giving the same grace to yourself as you would to others. 
• Being kind or gentle with yourself when you’re in pain or unable to complete a task. 
  
• Avoiding negative self-talk, instead, looking for the same good in you that you seek to see/point out in others. 
• Allowing yourself to feel your emotions, be it pain, anger, joy, or sorrow, rather than burying them. 
• Acknowledging the fact that you, nor any other person on this planet, is perfect. Mistakes, misunderstandings, and shortcomings are entirely normal and what make us human; they can provide avenues for future growth when appropriately viewed. 

These are only a few ways to show yourself kindness (we’ll discuss these in further depth in a moment). 

Without self-kindness, the actions we seek to incorporate through self-care become nothing more than to-do list items instead of true care fueled by warmth, compassion, and understanding. 

So then, why is it that self-kindness seems so difficult for so many? 

Dr. Kristin Neff, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin explains, “I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more. 

self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be” (8, 9).

Personally, I can see this…that tracks. 

However, if this resonates with you as well, can you answer this - how has such a view made a positive impact on your life? 

How has negative self-talk or a lack of self-kindness served you? 

And, how has this helped you to respond more freely in kindness towards others?

Likely, if we are honest, a lack of self-kindness hasn’t done us any favors…none. 

So, we know that self-care has many science backed benefits, those which are often listed as actions which support a healthy mind, healthy emotions, and even physical health (5, 10). 

And, we know that self-kindness creates the foundation necessary for real self-care. 

But, how does self-kindness then set the stage for acting in kindness towards others? 
As in our ponderings over the root of kindness, this question has led us to the same three areas of human expression through compassion - care, connection, and consideration.

1- Care

Improving self-kindness may help to regulate your nervous system (11). 

Where chronic stress, anxiety, and emotional pain (from self-criticism or external factors) can lead to a fight or flight response, essentially exhausting our nervous system, self-kindness serves to activate our parasympathetic nervous system which not only supports rest and recovery, but also contributes to our ability to accurately relate to others (11). 

As we treat ourselves with care and compassion, we can more easily recognize the commonalities we share with others - difficulty, imperfection, trials - and this could help increase empathy, allowing us to more compassionately care for others (11). 

Some refer to this as the Kindness Effect in action - “when we treat ourselves kindly, we become more capable of treating others kindly” (12). 

2- Connection

We not only become more capable of treating others kindly through self-kindness, this also opens the door for greater human connection. 

Think about it, when you give grace to yourself, you’re more apt to give grace to others, allowing connection to become unhindered by unreasonable expectations and other roadblocks. 

When we’re more satisfied in life, when anxieties are reduced, when our mood improves, when we’re better able to cope with disappointment, each of which are potential benefits of intentionally practicing self-kindness, we may also be able to more easily connect with others (12, 13). 

To rephrase - when we’re continually critical of self, we set ourselves up to be critical of others which impedes connection. 

When we only see the negative - the imperfections and shortcomings - in self, we set ourselves up to only see the negatives in others which gets in the way of connection and the desire to show kindness to others. 

But, on the flip side of that, when we understand our human imperfections and limitations, choosing to not be over-critical of self, we then, by extension, are less likely to be critical of others, removing potential roadblocks to connection. 

And, when we look for and intentionally speak of the positive aspects of self, we then, again by extension, set ourselves up to see the positives in others, another win in the connection category.

3- Consideration

Practicing self-compassion or self-kindness also sets the stage for how you treat others. 

Yes, we’ve touched on this throughout the points above as well, but here, focus on the fact that removing self-judgment, specifically the unrealistic self-judgment that is common in negative self-talk, models a standard for how you can consider others (7). 

When you treat yourself with respect and kindness, you define a clear path for how to treat others with the same respect, consideration, and kindness (7) - the kindness you deserve and the kindness others deserve.

A Filled Cup…

We’ve talked a lot about self-kindness today, vaguely mentioning how you can be kind to yourself and then more specifically looking at how this can fuel kindness expressed towards others. 
However, as we close I want to focus more closely on how you can practice self-kindness. 
What does it look like, what are some examples, etc.?

Sure, most of us, deep down, know when we’re being unkind to ourselves, but the bottom line is that you and I are worthy of kindness, especially coming from our own mouths and minds!

So then, how can you fill your cup through self-kindness?

Guided Meditation - If practicing self-compassion feels foreign to you, consider using guided meditations aimed at improvements in this area (14, 16). 

Take Note - Practice recognizing your “inner critic,” and as you notice those times when you are not kind to yourself, make a plan to replace these negative comments and thoughts with productive, positive statements (15). 

How Would You Speak To Others - If and when you notice yourself being unkind (to you), take a moment and ask yourself “is this how I would think of or speak to a friend?” If you wouldn’t speak to a friend the way you’re speaking to yourself, replace those thoughts and words with warmth, kindness, and compassion (16). 

Embrace Imperfection - To think you’re perfect, is deception. To think that others are perfect is deception. To treat yourself as if you should be perfect, is unrealistic…and deceptive. No one is perfect, so release yourself from these unrealistic standards, and instead embrace those imperfections which make you human (15), those physical features, mental attributes, and everything else in between that make you wonderfully, beautifully you!

Forgiveness - Too often we judge ourselves harshly. Too often we reserve forgiveness for others and fail to grant it to ourselves. Self-kindness prioritizes the act of releasing self-judgments, instead being quick to forgive (16). 

Check In - When you find yourself self-criticizing, when you find yourself focusing solely on imperfections, when you’re unforgiving and unkind, stop and check in with yourself, even asking - what do I need to help myself through this window of difficulty (16)? Too often we are unkind to ourselves for the smallest of things, those which seem like failures but are really no more than single decisions that we can improve or think kindly about through a simple moment where we stop and evaluate the truth of things, including our worthiness. 

Lifebooster…

You are worthy of kindness - kindness from others, yes, but more importantly, you are worthy of self-kindness! 

And, as we’ve seen today, being kind to self then improves our extension of kindness towards others!

FAQ

1- Will self-kindness promote laziness or complacency? 

No. Self-kindness provides self-safety and self-support, each of which actually encourages personal growth (7). 

2- Why does self-kindness sometimes feel uncomfortable for some people? 

If you’ve spent years self-criticizing, even potentially using this as a coping mechanism or shield, this type of self-warmth simply feels unfamiliar, which leads to those uncomfortable feelings. 

Keep practicing, self-kindness, like most anything else, make take time. 

And remember, you’re worth the time, effort, and kindness! 

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