Pondering Kindness Over Coffee - Where Do Expressions Of Kindness Towards Others Really Begin?

Key Takeaways

Is kindness an action or a thought? Is it even possible to act in kindness when care, connection, and consideration for others is entirely absent? Here, we’re exploring the notion of kindness towards others, looking beyond acts of kindness and examining what’s at the root of these acts before they’re ever done. 

• Where Does Kindness Begin? - exploring the roots of kindness, looking at care, connection, and consideration including how they each intersect with kindness
  
• Kindness Towards Others - what does kindness towards others look like

Do you ever miss the days when the newspaper was delivered daily to your front porch? 

With coffee in hand, you’d walk outside, pick up this now-nostalgic printed-pamphlet, rolled ink-covered pages housing a library of news, sports, laughs, and warm-hearted life stories.

Once grasping this brief book, you’d retreat to your front porch chair, kitchen table, or recliner for a brief period of indulgence - sips, stories, and silence.

And, depending on the content of this daily read, your morning could begin with warmth, worry, or wisdom (crossword puzzles, anyone?). 

Ah, those were the days, right? 

Now, let me interrupt this discussion for an odd confession… 

…the above scene is something I never had the privilege to enjoy personally. 

I saw it on repeat with my grandparents, but by the time I had reached coffee-drinking age, newspapers were becoming less common, and now, it sometimes seems they’ve altogether gone away. 

Even still, I find myself routinely longing for mornings like those mentioned above, those I watched my grandparents enjoyed regularly. 

This is why I like to scroll through an interesting blog now and then or perhaps a few how-to posts to start my day. 

Something to make me smile, something to add peace to my mornings, something to challenge me. 

Unfortunately, these goals can sometimes be tricky in our world as headlines can often bring cause for concern or worry. And, while being informed can be a good thing, I prefer to begin my days on a positive, uplifting, even happily challenging note. 

So, with these reminiscences, practices, and intentions in mind, we’d like to invite you to join us on a brief journey - a journey of kindness - served alongside a cup of your favorite Lifeboost coffee, of course! 

It’s said that the practice of reading the newspaper each morning holds (or held) great value, even encouraging focus and information retention (1), and with that in mind, we want to build upon this notion as we have an even deeper goal here…kindness. 

For the next few months, we’d like to dedicate a few blog posts to centering our thoughts around kindness, bringing back the morning practice of enjoying a good old fashioned a.m. coffee read, here with the intent of inspiring kindness in a variety of ways. 

So today, we’d like to start off by exploring the practical and personal beginnings of kindness…

Where Does Kindness Begin? 

What is kindness, and where does it begin? 

I get it. Those questions are borderline absurd. 

I mean, who doesn’t know what kindness is, right? 

We all have an idea of kindness that rests in our minds but being on the same page is undoubtedly beneficial. 

So then, again I ask, what is kindness? 

Is it a feeling, is it actionable, is it both? 

Do kind acts always stem from kind thoughts, or could other motives be mistaken as kindness? 

And, if other motives can be mistaken for kindness, could it be said that true kindness comes down to a feeling? 

Shew…we’re really hitting the ground running with the questions today, but I promise, there’s a purpose behind this kindness interrogation. 

When we think of kindness, we typically think of actions. 

Doing things for others, paying it forward, kind words spoken, lending a helping hand…see, action. 

But, is this truly where kindness begins? 

If we’re simply doing things out of habit, are we doing these things out of kindness? 

If we’ve been inspired to volunteer, donate, etc. are these things always done out of a heart filled with kindness? 

And, can we truly be kind to others absent from a genuine heart of care/concern for such folks? 

I like to think of it like this - if our hands represent the act of kindness, our hearts/minds are what move our hands to enable such action. 

In other words, kindness doesn’t technically begin with action, it starts with feeling. 

Think about it - how can you show authentic kindness towards others, or how can you even perform random acts of kindness, without having compassionate emotions or thoughts towards the recipient(s) of such? 

To get a better understanding of this, let’s consider a few examples.

1- Care and Kindness

Michael Karlin, assistant professor of psychology at Life University, and Brendan Ozawa-De Silva, director for SEE Learning at Emory University state that we, as social animals, actually need, even rely on, the kindness of others to survive (2). 

Without a second thought, this assertion sounds a little extreme, but consider the following: 

• We are not self-sufficient at birth. We fully rely on the care given from others in order to survive (2). 
• Likewise, in situations where illness or injury occur, we also rely on the care of others. 
• Again, in later years, care is often necessary to sustain and maintain life. 

Can you think of a time when you’ve been in a situation where you’ve provided care for a vulnerable person? 

Can you ignore the fact that at the root of such care was compassion or kindness? 

Kindness is often defined as being friendly, considerate, or generous (3), and in the above examples, such consideration, even compassion, for others is necessary for life itself. 

Without a recognition of the need for care combined with an emotional response to that need, kindness is lacking. 

Whether as a parent, doctor or nurse, friend, caregiver, etc. providing affectionate care when an infant needs to be fed, changed, held, etc. stems from an emotional recognition of such needs, combined with compassion (in heart or mind) that moves us to meet those needs.  

And, this translates to essentially any and all situations, infant or otherwise. 

Call it care, call it compassion…but what we see in such interactions is a feeling of kindness for others which then prompts acting in accordance with such an emotion.

2- Connection and Kindness

Building on the notion of care and kindness, I wanted to move directly into connection and how this is a necessary element in the origins of kindness. 

When we have compassion towards others, this prompts actions often viewed as kindness, even seen in how we care for those in need. 

However, while I don’t want to spend too much time on the negative side of this coin, we’ve all seen or known about care that’s been given to vulnerable individuals that certainly didn’t seem to stem from kindness or compassion. 

And, this is where connection comes in…

Care or compassion for others is only one piece of the kindness puzzle. 

Take infants for example, clearly they need care for survival, but when this care is given without affection, without a desire to connect (doing more than simply the bare minimum and meeting a need) this can actually cause severe harm pertaining to development (4). 

The absence of compassionate touch alone can be entirely harmful to an infant (5). 

In other words, infants don’t need bottle feedings and diaper changings alone to thrive - care, connection…kindness…is entirely key as well! 

But, this isn’t just true of babies. 

Humans are social beings. We need connection (6). 

Even those of us who are highly introverted by nature still require human connection for optimal health (6). 

And, it’s feelings of compassion, care, and kindness towards others which both drives us to connect and fuels a desire for connection. 

I suppose you could also insert the word affection here, as it’s an affection for our children that drives parents to not only meet our child’s needs (care) but also connect with them. 

And, this showing of care and desire for connection with our children (or parents, family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc.) stems from a heart, or warm thoughts, of kindness towards them. 

When you act in kindness towards your neighbor - sharing a smile, stopping to say hello, checking in on them during inclement weather, etc. - this concern wouldn’t be present without first feeling kindness/compassion for them, then prompting you to connect. 

Some even say that compassion, or kindness, is indeed at the very heart of human connection (7).

3- Consideration and Kindness

Careful, thoughtful, feeling respect or empathy for others (8), these descriptions or adjectives are commonly at the heart of consideration. 

Can you already see the kindness connection here? 

Consideration is another feeling/emotion which precedes acting in kindness towards others. 

What am I saying here? 

• Caring about the happiness of others, then considering how happy it might make the stranger in line behind you at Starbucks to have their morning coffee paid for, is a kindness within you that is then acted upon when you indeed pay for said coffee. 
• Considering the stress the young mother in front of you in line at Target must be feeling as her toddler grumpily cries loudly for all to hear can cause you to, instead of acting in frustration, respond with grace and a smile…showing kindness. 
• Being considerate of the feelings of your coworkers can help you respond in kindness while completing a difficult task. 
  

Some say this quote is attributed to Robin Williams, while others say it originated with Scottish author and theologian Ian MacLaren, but no matter the origin, many of you may have seen the following frequently spread on social media - “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” 

And, at the heart of this exhortation to be kind is…consideration. 

Consider your spouse. Consider your friends. Consider your colleagues. Consider your neighbors. Consider your children. 

With this in mind, I personally believe we cannot expect to act in kindness towards others when we first fail to consider others.

What Does Kindness Towards Others Look Like?

Care, (a desire for) connection, and consideration each precede the acts that flow from our heart and minds, actions we collectively recognize as kindness. 

To echo an earlier thought - if our hands represent the act of kindness, our hearts/minds are what move our hands to enable such action. 

So, now that we’ve explored these roots of kindness, what does kindness towards others actually look like? 

Sure, we’ve briefly touched on this through the explanations in the section above, but before we delve into acts of kindness (stay tuned for next month’s kindness and coffee post), let’s see what a heart of care, connection, and consideration looks like. 

First, such thoughts towards others, especially when acted upon…well…they often, actually, look like happiness. 

According to clinical psychologist Linda Firestone, “when we have feelings of caring or love for other people, we feel better” (9). 

Such feelings, especially when acted upon in kindness towards others, also trigger the release of hormones such as oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins, also known as the happy hormones (10). 

Likewise, such feelings, again especially when acted upon in kindness, may also decrease cortisol, your body’s top stress hormone (10). 

Then, when we include a consideration for those we encounter in life, this is when practicality enters the discussion. 

Considering others is often what prompts feelings of care/concern, even leading to a desire to act upon such emotions. 

This is commonly associated with self-talk (11), including questions such as “how would I feel if…” 

“How would I feel if I was a young, single mother, bringing my children from the cold, winter air into my home, unloading each child, one by one, from a parking spot far down the street?

Such consideration could cause you to act in kindness, leaving a spot open near the home of said neighbor. 

And, such kindness might not only brighten your neighbor's day but also lead her to one day pay it forward, with a heart of gratitude for your neighborly kindness and consideration. 

“How would I feel if I was going through a difficult time and someone donated to help my family in a time of need?”

Such consideration, such a perspective-shift, could prompt you to respond from a place of care when you learn of a stranger battling through a trial, be it medical, a tremendous loss, etc. 

In other words, kindness also looks like grace. 

And lastly, let’s consider a few broad items regarding kindness as we close…

• When you care about your friends, family, neighbors, etc. seeking to connect with these individuals by finding commonalities you share can open the door for compassion and kindness (9). 
• Not all kindness and compassion must stem from empathy; however, when we do specifically find ourselves drawn to another, tuning into a friend’s emotions can result in a deeper connection and quality of caring which can effectively promote kindness (12). 
• Feeling care for or considering others is often mistaken for niceness, but being nice could also mean avoiding hard truths so we can be viewed/seen as being nice or kind. In reality, being nice is commonly linked to societal pressures, whereas being kind has deeper roots (13, 14), as we’ve seen today. 
• Kindness is also deeply connected to gratitude (15). When we look for ways to be thankful, especially considering our interactions and relationships with others, this can prompt care and compassion for these people in our lives. 

When you gloss over the good, it makes it very hard to open your heart and mind to truly care for, seek to connect with, or consider others. 

But, when you frequently think of reasons to express gratitude - “I’m thankful for the opportunity to dine out with friends.” - you might find yourself being more considerate, even seeing opportunities to be kind, when your waiter or waitress is seemingly having a bad night. 

If you think we’ve left some gaping holes in this kindness discussion, you’d be entirely right! 

So, be sure to come back next month for your morning coffee-read when we further detail and discuss kindness! 

Until then, I like to think that we’re all, collectively, sipping our favorite Lifeboost brews from our personal favorite mugs, reading about kindness at the same time. 

Each of us pondering our personal patterns of care, our thoughts of consideration for our neighbors, friends, etc., and now as we warmly think of these folks, including the strangers we meet in life, we’re all, collectively, seeking to be more caring, compassionate, considerate…and kind. 

Have a wonderful day, friends!

Disclaimer: Coffee contains caffeine and you should consult with a health care professional with any concerns you might have on the effects of coffee on your health and well being. Additionally, the way coffee is grown, low acid coffee, decaf coffee, as well as different roast types (light, medium, dark, etc.) can alter caffeine levels. If you have questions about the caffeine levels or pH levels of our coffee, please reach out to our support team for clarification. If you have any concerns with how our coffee, or any product will affect you or your health, consult with a health professional directly.

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